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What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? -- 45 lb.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? -- 45 min.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? -- Sexual Harassment

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? -- $3.99 a minute.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The s*x is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead? -- The s*x is the same, but you get the remote.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? -- Humpme Dumpme.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? -- Marriage

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? -- None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? -- Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What have men and floor tiles got in common? -- If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? -- Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe s*x? -- A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry? -- "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable"

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? -- After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde? -- A golden retriever.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? -- The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? -- The woman who ate the last donut.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? -- A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts? -- The blonde, because she's 18.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? -- When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? -- Two mothers-in-law.

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