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1) Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3) Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

4) Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

5) If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

6) Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

7) The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

9) When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

10) Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

11) Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

12) To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

13) Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

14) When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

15) Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

16) A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

17) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

1 Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having s*x with his waitress.

19) As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history

20) Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

21) Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

22) A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

23) Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

24) Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a @#%$ Indian.

25) Chuck Norris always has s*x on the first date. Always.

26) Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

27) Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

2 If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the @#%$ down.

29) At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

30) Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Of course, Tedy Bruschi can replace Chuck Norris in most instances.

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Now that's how fishing should be, then you can drink your beer and not mess with fukin around with tangled lines and always thinking you have a damn bite only to jerk the line out of the water, over your head, and get stuck in the damn bushes behind you.  :bingo



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