23 days till a politically correct holiday

December 1, 2005

Subject: The Office Party

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: Everyone

RE: Christmas Party

DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't Be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 2

RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

Happy now?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 3

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 7

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and s*x during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 8

RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

Date: December 9

RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 10

RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 14

RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward Your cards to her at the sanatorium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

We hope that this change does not offend anyone.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",

"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the North Pole,

were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,

released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear,

that Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,

because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,

And millions of people were calling the Cops,

when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,

and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.

He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,

demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife

who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,

joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,

demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion

that making a choice could cause such commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...

Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.

Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,

Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.

And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,

were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,

for they raised the hackles of those psychological,

who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,

besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.

and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,

he just couldn't figure out what to do next?

He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,

but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.

His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,

nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,

give to us all, without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,

each group of people in every religion.

Every race, every hue,

everyone, everywhere...even you!

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH"

December 1, 2005

Very good rook.

Some might get the feeling that you have waaaay too much time on your hands lately. :lol

December 1, 2005

its gonna be an awsome christmas. :lol

tis true though, everyone talking about how someone disrespected thier whatever. That term "he/she disrespected me" gets thrown around so much and has lost its meaning. Those people that are usually the ones to complain about being offended are usually the most offensive.

December 1, 2005

its gonna be an awsome christmas.
tis true though, everyone talking about how someone disrespected thier whatever. That term "he/she disrespected me" gets thrown around so much and has lost its meaning. Those people that are usually the ones to complain about being offended are usually the most offensive.

[*]344220

I dont remember being offended too easily

December 1, 2005

wasnt implying that you were being offended easily I am just saying that most people that are easily offended are usually the most offensive.

December 1, 2005

I know I know..... sarcasm ma man.. I just know I tend to offend.

I agree though, most arent as well balanced us me.......(no I couldnt type that with a straight face)

personally I used to h@te the holidays. this year seems different though. maybe the 5 year old rocking out to jingle bells in the car helps.

I just started doing these threads to try and lighten up the holidays for those that still have the bah humbug issues.

this particular thread got me thinking of the other holidays. chrismahanakwanza stuff. didnt wanna leave any one out (I didnt think I would be find enough stuff to get through the 24th either)

ive always been a fan of the saying "if you cant laugh at yourself you shouldnt be laughing at anyone elses expense"

I dont wanna sound like a bigot here. but my gosh, kwanza has been a tough one to find a humorous thread about thats not racially derogatory. is it that the people who celebrate it dont have a sense of humor? nothing is that sacred.

last year I Dr*g my better half to midnight mass. my bad, it was the oldschool version. in latin. she looks at me with a WTF look on her face. I can laugh at my irish catholic heritage. "sweetheart, its midnight, christmas eve, IRISH CATHOLIC, do you not realize how drunk the preist is by now? he's just slurring his words."

I hope these threads help lighten the holidays.

December 1, 2005

last year I Dr*g my better half to midnight mass.
[*]344254

now thats a funny censor. usually what it takes to get some people to church. even though its just once a year.

December 1, 2005

It would take some really good Dr*gs to get me to church.

I have never been to church for worship, I have been for weddings and funerals but never for mass or anything like that and you should see some peoples faces when I say that. They look at me like I am the lapdog of satan. What I dont understand is that I am supposed to respect thier choices and have prayer before a meal or on certain occasions with some family members and friends and even some inlaw members but they dont respect and understand my choices and oppinions.

Doesnt that seem a little onesided?

December 1, 2005

They look at me like I am the lapdog of satan.
[*]344263

:eyebrows

I have to remember that one.

December 1, 2005

danger..... tangent coming. :eyebrows

isnt everyones opinion one sided?

im sure you have your means of showing gratitude, or rituals, and honestly some dont need organized religion to be good people.

on a psychologically broken down level. my opinion of why people ultimately do the right thing is fear. not necessarily shakin in your boots all the time you have a decision. but even the small gut reflex from being raised properly. if I do this, that happens, I do not like that, so I wont do this.

organized religion for me adds public humiliation into the mix. the biggest fear of most people.

its the holidays, we should be grateful for what we have, regardless of our choice of how we show it.

locally. this thanksgiving. my better 1/2 her sister and my kid left before myself and bro in law to go over the hills and through the woods. (we needed a couple drinks to deal with the devout mormon in-laws and their screaming kids everywhere)

long story short. they missed a head on collision by about five minutes. 9 went to the hospital, 3 didnt even get a sh!tty hospital turkey dinner because they already took much more than a tryptophan nap. aka the grille of a ford full size after launching over the car it hit head on and onto the roof of their honda civic.

regardless of how youre grateful this holiday season....... just do it. it could all be gone at a moments notice.

(wow, this thread turned into a downer, im gonna have to come up with something good tomorrow)