lets tell some jokes

[Guest naughtydog]

A woman and her husband are woken early one rainy morning by a pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the front door where a drunken stranger is asking for a push.

” Not a chance” says the husband ” Its three in the morning”

He slams the door and goes back to bed.

” Who was that ?” asked the wife

” Just some drunk bloke asking for a push” he answers.

” Did you help him? She asks

” No. Its three in the morning and its pouring outside”

” Well you have a short memory” say’s the wife.

”Don’t you remember about three months ago when our car

broke down in the rain in the middle of the night and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the

pouring rain. He calls out ” Hello….are you still there?”

”Yes” comes back the answer.

”Do you still need a push?”he calls out

”yes” comes the reply from the dark

”where are you” ask’s the husband

” Over here, on the swings” comes the reply.

[Guest naughtydog]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know

everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave,

how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I

can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom

Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin!?

Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they

leave Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing

Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President

Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies,

let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions

him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to

a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee

first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still

not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to

Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and

I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are

assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never

work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you

what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the

balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the

Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on

the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart

attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side,

Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and

the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the

f**k's that on the balcony with Dave?"

[Guest willie]

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

[Guest losdawg]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know

everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave,

how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I

can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom

Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin!?

Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they

leave Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing

Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President

Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies,

let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions

him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to

a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee

first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still

not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to

Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and

I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are

assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never

work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you

what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the

balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the

Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on

the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart

attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side,

Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and

the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the

f**k's that on the balcony with Dave?"

[tint_detective]

I got nothin.....

[shwusyrtnts]

Naughty that Pope Joke is great!!

[Guest haroldshouseoftint]

Naughty that Pope Joke is great!!

I just about fell outta my chair laughing

Good one Mate

[blade]

Here are top ten comments made by sports commentators that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This

is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm

up and it was truly amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse

and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique,

except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in

front of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my

mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some

deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can

expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like

it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the

wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like

they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so

well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and

kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?

[TNTLady]

[Guest willie]

I bet Arnie was loving life