SQUEEGEE'S JOKE OF THE DAY

Texastintchick · November 17, 2004

That's pretty good FM :shock :krazy

TTC :krazy

November 17, 2004

a doctor, a lawyer and a biker are sitting at a bar.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor says, "Tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesnt like the rock, at least she'll like the car, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replies, "Well, on my last anniversary, I got the wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured that if she didnt like the pearls, she'd at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The biker takes a swig of his beer, and says, "Yeah? for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. That way, if she didnt like the shirt, she could go FK herself."

November 17, 2004

a man sticks his head into the barbershop and asks, "how long of a wait?"

"About 2 hours," the barber says, and the man leaves.

A few days later, the same man pokes his head in and again asks, "how long of a wait?"

The barber looks around and says, "give me 2 hours." the guy leaves.

A week later, the man pops in again and asks the same question. The barber says,"About an hour."

Once again the man leaves.

This time the barber sends his friend to follow the man. His buddy returns later, cracking up. "So, where's he been going?" the barber asks.

"Your house"

November 17, 2004

a man goes to the nursing home to visit his aging father. While he's there he sees the nurse mix V!AGRA into his father's hot chocolate.

"what are you doing?" he asks.

"the hot chocolate will help him sleep," the nurse explains.

"and the V!AGRA?" the man asks.

"It keeps him from rolling out of bed."

November 19, 2004

a man sticks his head into the barbershop and asks, "how long of a wait?"
"About 2 hours," the barber says, and the man leaves.

A few days later, the same man pokes his head in and again asks, "how long of a wait?"

The barber looks around and says, "give me 2 hours." the guy leaves.

A week later, the man pops in again and asks the same question. The barber says,"About an hour."

Once again the man leaves.

This time the barber sends his friend to follow the man. His buddy returns later, cracking up. "So, where's he been going?" the barber asks.

"Your house"

[*]221354

:coffee

I've always liked that one. Nice to have you back FX ! :coffee

November 20, 2004

thx squeeg. :thumb

November 24, 2004

As a scientist for the state of Californicate, Stan was assigned to invent an anti aging formula. Stan labored for years. He experimented with many different agents on a variety of animals. Stan finally experienced success!!! He was able to keep a pair of bottle-nosed dolphins from showing any signs of aging. The key to success was adding immature sea birds to the dolphins diet.

A press conference was arranged to be held in front the the Capital Building. The dolphins were placed in a portable pool at the top of the steps.

Stan was on cloud nine as heclimbed the stairs with his special dolphin food. He was shocked as he was arrested at the top as he passed two marble statues.

The Charge???

Crossing State lions with young gulls for immortal porpoises.

December 8, 2004

A woman and two men were marooned on a desert island.

After the first week the woman was so ashamed of what they were doing she hung herself.

After the second week the guys were so ashamed of what they were doing they buried her.

After another week the two guys were so ashamed of what they were doing they dug her back up!!!

GusTheTinter · December 9, 2004

:inot

December 14, 2004

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your chance before Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a @#$% to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a @#$% is seven. Three plus six, that son of a @#$% is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a @#$% is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is falling! '"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy @#$%! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to get b**bs too."

:nono