SQUEEGEE'S JOKE OF THE DAY

April 15, 2004

April 15, 2004

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner

greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat

case and noticed the market specialized in brain.

Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain

meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for

$2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for

$375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge

difference in price between the similar meats.

The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many

politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

April 16, 2004

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him,

"What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover

clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you

make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of

the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the

first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have

a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

April 16, 2004

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong

and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy

activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and

masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a c0-caine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Walmart

April 17, 2004

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find

ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well,

thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer

magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had

one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple

produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt,

and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections,

Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later

married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she

wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a

rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six

children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout

childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens

nuptials

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the

prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy

with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, "You don't

know Jack Schitt, " you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

Image Tint · April 17, 2004

April 23, 2004

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While in route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the n@ked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

April 26, 2004

Q. Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?

A. Because she's too big for B-shells.

April 27, 2004

A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"